The holidays bring so much emotion and excitement each year. When it is your first year with your baby, that can bring up a lot of emotions. Excitement to watch your baby experience your family traditions, perhaps meeting new family members. Maybe you are excited to make some new traditions of your own now that you have a child. Regardless, what you envision and what others envision for you, you may be tempered by your own capacity, energy and priorities. You may feel pressured to carry on with “tradition,” but what if you are bumping up against your limit? How do you choose between appreciating the people in your life and honoring what your own growing family needs?
Gratitude Without the Guilt
First of all, the difference between feeling grateful and feeling obligated can get fuzzy when emotions are attached. Grandma and Grandpa really want you to make the nine-hour drive to their home so that all the family can be together. The pressure they put on you can make you feel ungrateful for the family you have, pushing you over into the obligation category. How do you show your family you love them, are grateful for them but, more importantly, need to prioritize yourself first? Is this something you can talk about with your family?
It can be challenging, but understand that it does not mean you owe them unlimited access to your time and energy (or what remains of it). Saying no feels bad, but remember it is not your job to manage their disappointment. Create these boundaries now with your partner before you get down the literal road and realize this decision is not sustainable.
Many families use this time to create their new traditions, which include the new boundaries. Do you visit family every year for the same holiday, or do you alternate? Do you decide to visit at different, less busy times of the year? I have a friend who, 19 years postpartum, has finally decided that they would like to spend their holidays at home, not driving for 12 hours to visit her partner's family. She feels liberated by her decision, but wishes that she had been able to make it a few years earlier.
Perhaps you have family who want to come to you. What does that look like? Will you be hosting, cooking, cleaning and planning the outings while they are there? Will they stay with you? What boundaries can you put around this scenario? Perhaps this year, you need them to stay in a hotel, come during certain times of the day to give you a chance to rest, keep baby on their sleep schedule and do more takeout.
Tell your family what you need. This does not make you ungrateful. You can still be thankful and ask for the kind of help you need. Maybe Mom can make her famous pumpkin pie, but for Thanksgiving this year, you cater in a BBQ meal and use paper plates instead of Great Granny's china. It is all a balance, and it is up to you to decide what you need to protect your peace and energy.
Boundaries Are Not a Bad Thing
Let's talk about boundaries for a minute. The word itself can sometimes feel a little harsh, especially when we're talking about family. We don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and we certainly don't want Grandma to think she isn't important to us. But boundaries are not about keeping people out. They are about figuring out what works for your family and communicating that to the people around you.
When you have a new baby, your needs are different. You may be recovering from birth, learning to feed your baby, managing interrupted sleep and trying to figure out how to function as a family of three (or four, or five!). Adding holiday expectations on top of that can be a lot.
Maybe you need to limit the number of gatherings you attend. Maybe you need to leave early so you can get home before everyone is completely exhausted. Or perhaps you just need a day at home without anyone coming over.
These are reasonable things to ask for.
And let's not forget that your baby has needs, too. Feeding, sleep, safe environments and protection from illness don't take a holiday. You may need to explain to family members why you aren't passing the baby around a crowded room or why you need to leave before the festivities are over. Or why having certain vaccines are important to you before they get to visit the baby. You don't have to apologize for making decisions that prioritize your baby's well-being.
The trick is to have these conversations with your partner first. What do you each need? Which traditions are important to you? Where are you willing to compromise, and where do you need to hold firm? Once you are on the same page, you can communicate those decisions to your family.
Will everyone be happy with your choices? Probably not. But that doesn't mean you've made the wrong decision.
What Does Gratitude Look Like This Year?
I think sometimes we get so caught up in what we should be doing during the holidays that we forget to ask ourselves what we actually want to do.
Don’t “Should” yourself too much! We should visit this family. We should host that dinner. We should buy the gifts, decorate the house, bake the cookies and make sure everyone has a wonderful time.
But what if you took a step back and asked yourself what would make this season meaningful for your family right now?
Maybe it's watching your baby's face as the Christmas tree lights turn on for the first time. Maybe it's enjoying a quiet Thanksgiving morning at home before visiting relatives. Perhaps it's ordering dinner, letting the house be a little messy and spending the evening together instead of trying to recreate the elaborate holiday celebrations you remember from childhood.
Gratitude doesn't have to look like a big gathering or a perfectly executed holiday. Sometimes it's appreciating the person who brings you dinner, the relative who understands that you need to leave early, or the partner who takes the baby so you can have a shower and a few minutes to yourself.
You can also be grateful for your family and still feel disappointed that things look different this year. You can love your baby and find the holiday season exhausting. These feelings can exist together. Becoming a parent changes your priorities, and it is okay if your expectations need to change along with them.
Rather than trying to make everything happen, think about one or two traditions you really want to keep this year. What matters most to you? What can you let go of? You might be surprised by how much more you enjoy the holidays when you aren't trying to do everything.
Give Yourself Permission to Make a Plan
One of the things I talk about with families preparing for postpartum is the importance of planning ahead. We spend so much time preparing for pregnancy and birth, but often don't give much thought to how we will manage life after the baby arrives.
The holidays are a great example of why that planning matters.
If you are expecting a baby around the holiday season, or you have a little one at home already, take some time with your partner to talk through your plans. Don't just assume you'll do what you've always done. Think about what your family will realistically have the energy for.
Here are a few questions to get you started:
Which holiday traditions are most important to us?
How much travel and socializing can we realistically manage?
If we host family, what help will we need, and what are we not willing to take on?
What do we need to protect our rest, feeding routines and baby's well-being?
How will we handle it if one of us is exhausted or the baby needs to go home?
Are we comfortable telling family that we need to do things differently this year?
You don't have to have all the answers right now. The point is to start the conversation before you're in the middle of the holiday season, trying to make decisions when you're already tired and overwhelmed.
And remember, a plan is allowed to change. Your baby's needs may be different than you expected, or you may discover that you have less energy for travel than you thought. Give yourself permission to adjust.
This is also an opportunity to begin creating traditions that work for your growing family. Maybe you alternate holidays, celebrate on a different day, or decide that some years you simply stay home. You don't have to follow the same pattern forever just because that's what you've always done.
You Can Be Grateful and Still Say No
The holidays are about connection, family and making memories. But they are also about recognizing what matters most to you and making room for it.
You can appreciate your family without saying yes to every invitation. You can love your traditions and decide to change them. You can be thankful for the people who want to help while still telling them what kind of help you actually need.
And you can do all of this without feeling guilty for putting your own family's needs first.
If this is your first holiday season with a baby, give yourself some grace. You are learning a new role, adjusting to new routines and figuring out what works for your family. You don't need to make everything look the way it did before.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is simplify, set a few boundaries and let go of the expectations that no longer serve you.
Your family deserves to enjoy the holidays, too. And that includes you.
I believe preparing for life after birth means thinking about more than feeding, sleep and recovery. It also means considering how you will manage family expectations, ask for help and protect your energy as you adjust to life with a new baby.
If you're expecting, now is a good time to start those conversations. If your baby is already here, it's not too late to make a plan that works better for you.
You don't have to do everything, go everywhere or make everyone happy. You just need to figure out what matters most to your family this year—and give yourself permission to make that your priority.
